why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Be still, my beating vagina.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
