none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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