Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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