How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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