after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
