But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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