Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
