I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
