I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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