I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You're like the curious george of whores
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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