Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
