My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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