The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
