Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
