On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
