When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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