Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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