I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
