Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
