she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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