Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize