Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
