I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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