I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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