just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize