Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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