Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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