Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
