false alarm. still invincible.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
