We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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