Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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