i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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