Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
