i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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