I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
