i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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