It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
