my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
should my penis look like a turkey
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
