ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
