3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
