How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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