I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
