I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
