so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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