He asked to "fluff my boner.."
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
