i already hear my dad disowning me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He passed out mid-signature
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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