Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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