We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
