I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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