Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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