The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
