as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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