so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
