On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
