I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
