He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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