his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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