your thong is hanging out like whoa
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
