It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I AM VODKA MAN
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
