five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
