2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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