i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
