i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
