I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
