i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
