Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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