Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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