i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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